I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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