Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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