just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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