Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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