I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
