watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
