T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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