dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I got copblocked.
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.