I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.