I heard we made out
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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