I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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