Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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