If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
