help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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