Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize