im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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