Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
