There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
