We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
