the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
