what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
