We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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