This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
