i think i have two assholes
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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