I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
