please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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