Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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