He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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