my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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