i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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