I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
