i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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