Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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