i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
