hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
