When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
