The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
