so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
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Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
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When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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