I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
