I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
All the doctor said was why
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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