her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
