3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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