Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
