Hey man sorry I got all grabby
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Randomize
