dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
