y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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