I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
