wat bout pragnant strippers??
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
