If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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