I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
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My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
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He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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