My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
