If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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