she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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