So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Someone signed my nipple.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
